Does This Darkness Have a Name
by Ms Kitty Black
Summary: Stream of consciousness musings on Loki's decent from innocence to darkness. Based on the quote of the same name from the TV show 'One Tree Hill'. Takes place during Thor. One-shot.


**Does This Darkness Have a Name?**

" **Does this darkness have a name?"**

Shock. Disbelief. Betrayal. Anger. It coursed through him like a raging fire. The utter pain that accompanied this realisation. A lie that made so much sense of his life as an outsider. The noise of battle surrounding him brought him back to reality, the roar of the Asgardian battle cry that he had never in his life of battle made, the cracking noise of ice that now strangely felt so normal. The eyes. Red eyes of a Frost Giant, filled with just as much shock as he, but accompanied with an inexplicable familiarity. A darkness that had previously been contained within him spread. What was this - this rage of a living lie?

" **This cruelty, this hatred."**

His father and he had never agreed. He knew he was always second in his father's eyes, and he had lived with that because he and Thor were equals. The jarring realisation that he was the very monster that Asgardian children were terrified of. That _he_ was the warrior's ultimate battle trophy angered him on a whole new level. Odin's cruelty as he dismissed his previous actions, spoke of his birthright. To die, he wouldn't believe that, the darkness flared again as pure and chilling hatred in him sparked in his blood. The realisation of Odin's descent into Odinsleep, pulled him above the suffocating wave of hate that had trapped him. The depth of his anger… terrified him.

" **How did it find us, did it steal into our lives"**

He sat alone, again. No uncommon thing in his life, but as walked toward the library he faced a new feeling. Confusion. Where had all this come from? Surely his intelligence should have realised this. He sighed as he approached his childhood refuge. The library had held all he once deemed valuable. All answers. Now though he was lost, floundering like a babe during his first attempt at sorcery. He stood by the grand window that gave a view of the training grounds. In the centre stood the Warriors Three. It was strange, his brother not being with them. No, not his brother, not anymore. A bitter rage came over him once more, at Odin. At Laufey. The theft of his brother burned so cold it hurt. Finding a book in his hand, he gained a petty satisfaction in hurling the book at the wall.

" **Or did we seek it out and embrace it?"**

Being King brought a strange power to his words. Those that had hesitated to follow him now had no choice. It was gratifying. Now though he found himself before another King, though this time they were equal. The hatred that had once been contained, that had once flared, now flooded his veins with a welcome chill as the feeling consumed him. Though he didn't fight it. The darkness that he had cowered from before now fuelled his need for vengeance. An agreement with Laufey, accepting and manipulating his differences for his own means, spreading the darkness further through his soul.

" **What happened to us that we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return?"**

He could admit one thing. He had a weakness for Frigga. The undying love she had for both her sons. The honest love and equal standing that Odin had never shared. It was this that made him think of Thor. The brother he would have followed anywhere if he had but asked. Now standing with Frigga having killed two Frost Giants in the defence of his mother and sleeping King, he realised that he was no more than a child in his mother's eyes. But she still loved him no matter what and that made him feel guilty, guilty that he doubted his own mother. For no matter how much he denied it Loki still viewed Frigga as his mother. He still wanted her approval, but it was getting harder to hold on to that love. To fight the darkness that was flowing into his soul like the torrent that surrounded Asgard.

" **But knowing some will be lost along the way."**

This rage was controlling him, forcing him to continue. As much as they had joked as children about physically fighting, he hated that it had come this far. But the fire and ice in his veins was consuming, the pain that turned to rage at all those who had wronged him tore him apart. He loved Thor, but the darkness that had wormed its way into his soul was like a balm that soothed the righteous anger and only sought to lead him further down the path of darkness. So there he stood, directly over his brothers winded body, any hint of the once mocking mood was gone. And the darkness of his soul was bared for the worlds to see.

" **When did we lose our way?"**

The confusion of the moment shocked Loki. How could Thor not understand? He was doing this to prove himself, much like Thor had done before his banishment. So why didn't he understand? The anger was back, returning with a ferocity that had yet to be reached until now. Again he was unwanted, unloved, beyond salvation. The rage at the loss of any family he had once had consumed him, screaming in anger as the realisation hit him. The Bifrost continued to pulse, Loki laughed at the irony of the situation. The hypocrisy of Odin and Thor. It drew on a deep and dangerous part of him, a darkness with no limits. A metaphorical Pandora's box.

" **Consumed by the shadows"**

The look in his father's eyes. No… Odin's. He had explained everything, why was he not welcomed. He had gone to great lengths to help Asgard and to protect his family and people. Just as Thor had done when he had attacked Jotenheim after his coronation, so why was he different? It hit him then, that Odin would never take him seriously because of his blood. Poetic really that the very thing he was willing to shed was the one thing Odin would never forgive. A deep hatred filled him. The familiar burn of his inner darkness consuming him like a wildfire, destroying all reassurances he had. Gone were the afternoons training with Thor. Gone were the moments with Frigga. Gone was the rare occasion that Odin would read to them. Leaving behind only darkness. Pure and burning.

" **Swallowed whole by the darkness."**

The darkness surrounding him was a comfort. It welcomed him and beckoned him further in. The ease as to which he wandered through was a weight off his shoulders. Staying sane within the Nine Realms was a heavy burden to take, but in the black and vast distance of the Void, the darkness was not fought but embraced . It lulled him into a state of blissful numbness. As he continued to wander, the cool embrace of infinity soothed him in ways he had not known before. The emptiness and the surrender to the darkness was glorious in its nothingness. The hate that had once burned with a painful ferocity now cooled his veins in a pleasant hum, like a lullaby to a child it led him onwards toward the towering darkness before him.

" **Does this darkness have a name..."**

The blur was unfamiliar. Like a curtain that shut out a light or the rising sun of Asgard. The tinted blue hue of darkness was not his own. He felt a strange fire in his veins that shone with an unnatural blue in place of the burning ice that flashed red. This was not him. He didn't fuel this hatred. This darkness was not his own. So why did he feel glee at the possibility of revenge? He didn't want revenge on Earth, yet the possibility sent a righteous flame through his veins. But he wished not to rule but to be loved so why did he feel compelled to do just that? This was a darkness of new depth but it was not him, this darkness was not his own. Not this.

" **Is it your name?"**

As the crowned Prince of Asgard, Thor understood the need to sacrifice for the greater good. But Loki? He knew his brother had often felt overshadowed and unappreciated but surely as his father Odin was responsible for him anyway. He knew they had different parents, though he firmly believed that in spite of this they were still family. This hatred that Loki had allowed to consume him shook Thor to the core. The darkness that had fuelled that hate, Thor knew, had also consumed him. Now with his only brother, his companion throughout all his trials dead Thor was no longer certain of anything. So with the now approaching war, who was to blame? Himself? Father? He could only hope that Loki was not to blame. But this darkness had followed Loki no matter where he went.

Or was Loki the darkness?


End file.
